Cup of Happy

I recently read an interesting phrase in "Cross" by James Patterson. "Here's a cup of sadness, and here's a cup of joy, which do you choose?"

I changed the phrase a little. I choose the Cup of Happy. I am usually a half empty glass kind of person. Although I love to laugh. I plan for the worst, then I am pleasantly surprised if I'm wrong.

I love the idea of Cup of Happy. It gives me the courage to relax even when there are circumstances I can't control. That is a very hard thing for me to do when I have tried to control everything. I used to be such a black and white person no gray area. Now I swim in the gray area. I would love to move from the gray area into a yellow area. Thus my conscientious choice of Cup of Happy!

I know there will be days when I drift toward the sadness cup but now I'm trying to choose the Cup of Happy.

So which do you choose cup of sadness or Cup of Happy?

Mrs. Teller's talented 4th grade class

Yesterday Ben, Kira, Avery, Maci & I went to Lees Market in North Ogden for Green Acres Elementary 4th grade "Recorder Recital". Kira is in the third row, first on the right side in a brown coat next to Miss Averie. The entire 4th grade played 5 songs and they did a very good job.

I got a huge surprise today. Kira brought home this amazing poster from Mrs. Teller's entire 4th grade class. Mrs. Teller has been so supportive during the last few months. She keeps me informed on Kira's well being during school. Mrs. Teller is a wonderful teacher and we are so grateful that Kira has an excellent example everyday.

Here is the fine print. THANKS TO MRS. TELLER'S 4th GRADE CLASS! YOU ARE AWESOME KIDS AND HAVE AN INCREDIBLE TEACHER.

March Madness

March is a time for madness, basketball madness. I am feeling a little madness of my own, I'm starting to feel cooped up. I try to get out of the house and help Leigh more but obviously not enough. I have been to more movies in the last 3 weeks than in 6 months. I get tired easy and try not to over do it. I am very fortunate the chemo doesn't make me sick to my stomach. The day after chemo I get a shot called Nuelasta which makes my bones ache. I get other weird side effects but nothing that is debilitating just irritating.

Somewhere in my head though things are not moving fast enough. Ben says I have chemo brain which makes me somewhat slow witted. My brain doesn't react to things normally, my knee jerk reactions are not what they used to be. In some cases that is good, as in my short temperament but not so good with my overall functions. I guess a little madness is expected when chemo is a supplement to my diet.

Hopefully, the next few weeks the sun will start to warm things up. I look forward to its warmth since I can not seem to stay warm anymore. I also need to tan my bald head. I have not ever seen my skin so white!

Thanks again to everyone and your warm wishes, I need all the warmth I can get right now.

Love Apey

Spring Forward

I have decided that it's time to "Spring Forward". I know its not for another month or so but I am thinking positive. Spring is a nice time of year when rain melts the snow, the sun starts to peek through the clouds, trees start to bud and flowers start to bloom. How positive is that!

I have had two chemo treatments and can't wait for the other six to be a distant memory, hence the "Spring Forward". At my last chemo treatment my oncologist gave me some good news. The tumor has shrunk from the first chemo to the second. So, I think "Springing Forward" with a positive attitude is appropriate.

I have lost 90% of my hair which is a downer, especially for the girls. They ask me to wear a hat most of the time, which is totally understandable from a kids perspective. Ben and the girls have been the best through all of this. I couldn't survive without each of them and their unique way to make me laugh.

Ben, the girls and I have been very fortunate to have a great family and friends for support during the last several months. I will continue to think positive as the weather slowly gets warmer which always brightens my day. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers, we are grateful.

Long Hair, Short Hair, No Hair

The chemotherapy regime I am on will make me go bald, soon. Instead of waiting for it to fall out in patches I decided to cut it short. I called my fabulous hair guru Joan (my cousin) and asked her to chop off my unyielding curly hair. Nervous could not explain how I felt. The breakdown I expected never happened during the hair cut. Joan cut it exactly how I asked, short really short. Joan did a great job.

Kira was apprehensive to see me but she finally got the courage. Maci said, "Mom, I'm not scared of you with short hair." Ben said, "I looked good." The rest of my family all gave rave reviews to my suspect.

Late that night guess what happened? "THE BREAKDOWN" When I saw myself in the mirror I lost it. Ben was very comforting and sweet, but when I look in the mirror I see a different person. I don't know who that person is. In a week, when I'm bald I will have to adjust to that person too.

I look forward to the day when I can look at myself and see someone I know. Hopefully she's someone who's kicked this nasty lymphoma.

P.S., I have no intention of posting pictures of my new hair cut or soon to come baldness. (I'm camera shy)

1 Down 7 to Go

Today was my first chemo treatment. It was very interesting, I really didn't know what to expect. The actual chemo treatments are not too uncomfortable, its supposed to all happen the 3 weeks following, First, a nurse gives you medsto stop nausea and any allergic reactions from the chemo. Then a nurse loads you up one chemo drug after another, after 8 hours I am finally done. My chemo treatments upcoming should only last 6 hours at a time. The first time you have chemo they slow the process to make sure there are no major allergic reactions or problems.

It actually went faster than I thought. The patients, staff and family members are so friendly and nice. It feels like a IM a/s/l thing except n/c/d (name/cancer/when were you diagnosed.)
I got to know a lot of people in a very short time. I think my treatments will go a lot faster being able to talk to people each time.

I got some good and bad news today. My bone marrow came back normal (Wahoo) but my pet scan came back with all lymph nodes from my neck to my pelvis are cancerous. It doesn't change my chemo treatments other now I have to take a pill so I don't get Gout. Gout is a strange word to me, it reminds me of having some fishy scaly legs. I know that's not real but every time I hear the word GOUT I can't stop thinking of it.

Now, I have 7 more to go. I'm feeling good right now, so I'm optimistic for the future. There is one thing though, I am still in denial about all of this. I keep my emotions in check for now. I know I will break down one day but for now it's all about positive thinking.

I will keep posting and I wish everyone a very Happy New year.

Boxing

It's a funny thing when you find out you have cancer. I haven't quite figured out how to react. I'm in a holding pattern right now. If I start to think about Ben and the girls I get emotional, but if I go on with my daily routine I'm level headed.


By the way, I have Non Hodgkin's T Cell Rich, B Cell Limited Lymphoma. It is mainly located in my abdomen area and its as big as of a block of cheese. The oncologist says it might be curable but no promises.


So here I am wondering what 6 months of treatments will bring me? Hopefully it can't be any worse than the last 3 months. Chemo doesn't sound fun, 6 hours in one chair. I've already been poked and prodded for weeks what's 8 treatments in 6 months?


I have not been well for at least 3 months. I haven't had enough energy to take a shower without resting for 20 minutes after. The funny thing is that if you look at the basic symptoms of Lymphoma I have everyone of them, classic text book. I thought I had some virus. It wasn't until I started loosing tons of weight that I noticed the tumor in my lower abdomen.

I am worried about Ben and the girls, so far they have been doing really well. Kira has been very helpful the last few months, even if she hates what she is doing. Maci finally understands that she can't run and jump on my stomach anymore. I don't know what I would do without Benjamin. It is true, he has been so supportive and attentive. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. My family has been very helpful too, by taking turns with the girls and cleaning my house while I was in the hospital.

That's enough of the downer news. Kira and I had a good talk today about the future, i.e, chemo, hair loss, etc. I made a promise to her that I would never stop fighting. I will use my best sucker punch and right hook. We will fight all the way.

P.S., I am grateful for all I have and thankful for all those who have helped me thus far.