Indecisive Mess

SUPERBOWL

2010-02-07T11:56:00.003-07:00

I have been a fan of Peyton Manning since he was at Tennessee. So logically I became a Colts fan when he was drafted. I love Peyton and I love the Colts. I like the Saints and would normally root for them if they were not playing Peyton. I know it will be a great game because the teams are both awesome. I have to stay true to my COLTS! Have a great game boys!

GO PEYTON & COLTS!

Happy Holidays...

2009-12-07T11:36:00.003-07:00

I hope eveyone has a great holiday season. There is no better time to enjoy spending time with your family and friends. I love my family and friends!

Happy Holidays!

Apey

Thanks and giving

2009-11-28T20:48:00.002-07:00

This year Thanksgiving was very sweet, even without the pie. Last year, Thanksgiving was at my dads. I had been sick for 3 months previous and then spent the entire day in his bedroom not feeling well. Although, the next day I didn't miss out on shopping. I never miss a year of Black Friday shopping with Emy. Carla was there to help keep me alive with McDonald's sausage burritos with hot sauce. I had the strangest food cravings.

To make a long story short, kind of. We didn't have an answer to my illness until the middle of December. I had cancer, Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma to be exact. The last year was difficult for us but we were blessed. I have a lot of family and friends to THANK for GIVING me help along the way. Without them life would not have been bearable.

After finishing chemo in June I have been in remission for almost six months. My health has been progressing and I am getting back to normal. There are still challenges but I am very THANKFUL to be alive. THANKS again for GIVING me the love and support I needed. I am very fortunate to have such special people in my life.

Apey

Halloween Party

2009-10-24T20:29:00.008-06:00

We love our annual halloween party given by Papa and Mums. We have a great time. Here are a few pictures of our fun!

Fall

2009-10-06T15:43:00.004-06:00

School has started, the weather is colder and we all have colds so FALL is officially here.
Summer is my favorite time of year, most think it's too hot but for me it's pretty perfect. Don't get me wrong Fall is beautiful with the leaves changing into reds, yellows and oranges and especially the PUMPKIN PIE. All the seasons bring something new but I love Spring and Summer colors best.

I had the opportunity to walk with my family this last Friday for the "Light the Night Walk" which raises money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma society. Our family raised over $600 which is really impressive for a bunch of poor people. Thanks to all those who donated. I received a special "Survivor" t-shirt, I was very excited to be one of the many survivors in attendance.

The last year has been a trial but I feel we have pulled through pretty well. Previously, I never had the opportunity to really volunteer at Kira's school. This year with no work and no major health issues I am able to actually be a Room Mom for Kira's class and volunteer weekly in Maci's class. I look forward to both with great anticipation. I am grateful to Ben and what he does for us so that I am able to be apart of the girls lives all day everyday.

We are a very lucky family and have a great time enjoying everyday we have.

Happy Fall everyone!

April

Summertime

2009-07-16T17:31:00.005-06:00

The girls have had many sleepovers with Emy. She has become quite the photographer along with my niece Amber. Here are a few shots Emy has taken of Kira and Maci. I always love pictures of my girlies. Life has been sweet lately and the sun is shining what else could I ask for?

Nada

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T23:53:00.002-06:00

Happy Fathers Day Ben. You are a wonderful dad to the girlies and a great husband. We could not ask for a better guy to take care of us. We love you soooo much!

Happy Fathers Day to Papa. We are so happy you can see what kind of Jelly Bean you are eating now. Love ya tons!

Finito

2009-06-04T20:07:00.002-06:00

I am finito with chemo. That is all I have to say today. I'm going out to play.

Thanks for everything all and I love you.

Apey

Italian translation:
finito (significato generale) / finished (ended)

My Baby is 5...

2009-05-24T15:49:00.003-06:00

Maci turned 5 years old. I can't believe it.

Love you Maci Dawn. Your such a monkey.

Memorial Weekend

2009-05-19T16:42:00.005-06:00

I have a lot to be thank for this Memorial Holiday. I am officially in remission and I'm on the right track to getting better.

I happen to have a great family. Family has taken care of me in one way or another for the last 9 months. Everyone has pitched in when and where they can.

There is one person who has been here for four months, putting her life on hold for us. We could not have managed without Leigh and her support. Leigh quit grad school to come take care of all of us. I can't thank her enough. She has taken over as mother, cook, teacher, tutor and maid.

I originally thought I could take care of everything during chemo. Now I know that without the daily help of Leigh I would have failed miserably. I thought I was strong but to my dismay I am really not that strong. The only thing I had strength for was to survive.

This Memorial weekend is going to be bittersweet with Leigh leaving but also for us to start new. We could have not ever managed without Leigh. We will miss her terribly.

Thank you my dear.

Apey

Passport

2009-05-08T23:13:00.009-06:00

I needed to get a passport picture for a trip in August. I have been dreading getting the picture since I do not have hair, eyebrows or eyelashes. I put it off for months, since I will have the passport picture for 10 years. That is a long time to have a crappy picture of yourself.

My parents gave me one of the best birthday presents ever. Tickets to see THE EAGLES, one of my all time favorite bands. I didn't want to go looking like a chemo dork, so I asked for a little help. I needed to practice getting "dressed up" before the actual concert. Leigh put on fake eyelashes, Debbie did makeup and I styled the wig.

Since I actually felt somewhat normal, Leigh talked me into going to get my passport picture. Debbie took Kira and I down to Walgreen's to have the picture taken. I checked the wig a hundred times and messed with it a hundred more. It felt weird to have hair on my head again.

Someone took my picture and I couldn't believe it. It was the best picture I have had taken of me in a long time. I'm not photogenic and it takes fifty shots to get a good one. I had them put the picture on a disc so I could post a decent picture of me on the Internet. Above is the result of the passport picture and I am actually pretty happy with it.

I am excited to get all "dressed up" again Saturday for the concert. It will be nice for Ben to have a girl to go out with instead of a chemo head. He says I'm cute bald but it might be fun for him to go out with the passport girl for a change.

Responding

2009-04-30T21:52:00.002-06:00

Awesome news on the home front. I AM RESPONDING TO TREATMENT! Wahoo...

We are excited to possibly see an end in sight. Two more chemos to go (we hope) just for good measure.

Keep up the good thoughts its working. Wahoo!

Love Apey

Happy Birthday Kira!

2009-04-27T08:13:00.023-06:00

Kira is 10!

She got her ears pierced along with tons of presents!

The Big One!

2009-04-23T21:53:00.007-06:00

OK, so I didn't want to celebrate a monumental birthday this year. At least not yet. Today is my 40th birthday and so far it has not been the best of years. I wanted to celebrate my birthday this summer when I am all finished with chemo. That way I can celebrate both, the big 40 and cancer free (we are hoping).

My family had other ideas. Emily came down to take me to chemo. Leigh and Maci made and brought awesome brownies for all the chemo patients. My dad and mums came down to spend the day. Bens parents and Charlynny came to see me. Ben took Kira out of school early (she was so excited) to visit. Even my friend Julie who is going through chemo too came on her non-chemo day. I received 3 vases of flowers, 2 sets of balloons, some sweet presents and lots of love.
Ben also took me to eat at the Training Table. When I was working, my lunch tradition was always Training Table. I haven't been in 3 years. It was great, I missed it.

After dinner Ben took me to get a new phone. I lost a very nice new phone at the hospital in January before chemo. It wasn't turned in so we canceled the phone. Someone found it and downloaded tons of music until Verizon stopped it a month later. So now someone has a nice music player with no phone capabilities. I activated my old phone and it finally died today. I ended up getting a great deal on a new phone. Hopefully I won't lose this one.

Then Ben took me to Chili's for take out. One of the best desserts on the planet is Molten Lava Cake. To my surprise he bought 3 cakes. We took them home to celebrate with the girls and Leigh. I opened my other presents and tucked the girls into bed. What could be better?

I had such a good day with people I love and cherish. The only thing I need to celebrate now is finishing chemo.

I am a very lucky girl, YES I'M STILL A GIRL. I have a wonderful husband, girls and family. I could not ask for more, except for one little thing. Give me more time...

Cup of Happy

2009-04-12T20:34:00.006-06:00

I recently read an interesting phrase in "Cross" by James Patterson. "Here's a cup of sadness, and here's a cup of joy, which do you choose?"

I changed the phrase a little. I choose the Cup of Happy. I am usually a half empty glass kind of person. Although I love to laugh. I plan for the worst, then I am pleasantly surprised if I'm wrong.

I love the idea of Cup of Happy. It gives me the courage to relax even when there are circumstances I can't control. That is a very hard thing for me to do when I have tried to control everything. I used to be such a black and white person no gray area. Now I swim in the gray area. I would love to move from the gray area into a yellow area. Thus my conscientious choice of Cup of Happy!

I know there will be days when I drift toward the sadness cup but now I'm trying to choose the Cup of Happy.

So which do you choose cup of sadness or Cup of Happy?

Mrs. Teller's talented 4th grade class

2009-03-12T21:40:00.031-06:00

Yesterday Ben, Kira, Avery, Maci & I went to Lees Market in North Ogden for Green Acres Elementary 4th grade "Recorder Recital". Kira is in the third row, first on the right side in a brown coat next to Miss Averie. The entire 4th grade played 5 songs and they did a very good job.

I got a huge surprise today. Kira brought home this amazing poster from Mrs. Teller's entire 4th grade class. Mrs. Teller has been so supportive during the last few months. She keeps me informed on Kira's well being during school. Mrs. Teller is a wonderful teacher and we are so grateful that Kira has an excellent example everyday.

Here is the fine print. THANKS TO MRS. TELLER'S 4th GRADE CLASS! YOU ARE AWESOME KIDS AND HAVE AN INCREDIBLE TEACHER.

March Madness

2009-03-06T16:20:00.003-07:00

March is a time for madness, basketball madness. I am feeling a little madness of my own, I'm starting to feel cooped up. I try to get out of the house and help Leigh more but obviously not enough. I have been to more movies in the last 3 weeks than in 6 months. I get tired easy and try not to over do it. I am very fortunate the chemo doesn't make me sick to my stomach. The day after chemo I get a shot called Nuelasta which makes my bones ache. I get other weird side effects but nothing that is debilitating just irritating.

Somewhere in my head though things are not moving fast enough. Ben says I have chemo brain which makes me somewhat slow witted. My brain doesn't react to things normally, my knee jerk reactions are not what they used to be. In some cases that is good, as in my short temperament but not so good with my overall functions. I guess a little madness is expected when chemo is a supplement to my diet.

Hopefully, the next few weeks the sun will start to warm things up. I look forward to its warmth since I can not seem to stay warm anymore. I also need to tan my bald head. I have not ever seen my skin so white!

Thanks again to everyone and your warm wishes, I need all the warmth I can get right now.

Love Apey

Spring Forward

2009-02-04T22:11:00.005-07:00

I have decided that it's time to "Spring Forward". I know its not for another month or so but I am thinking positive. Spring is a nice time of year when rain melts the snow, the sun starts to peek through the clouds, trees start to bud and flowers start to bloom. How positive is that!

I have had two chemo treatments and can't wait for the other six to be a distant memory, hence the "Spring Forward". At my last chemo treatment my oncologist gave me some good news. The tumor has shrunk from the first chemo to the second. So, I think "Springing Forward" with a positive attitude is appropriate.

I have lost 90% of my hair which is a downer, especially for the girls. They ask me to wear a hat most of the time, which is totally understandable from a kids perspective. Ben and the girls have been the best through all of this. I couldn't survive without each of them and their unique way to make me laugh.

Ben, the girls and I have been very fortunate to have a great family and friends for support during the last several months. I will continue to think positive as the weather slowly gets warmer which always brightens my day. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers, we are grateful.

Long Hair, Short Hair, No Hair

2009-01-19T12:00:00.007-07:00

The chemotherapy regime I am on will make me go bald, soon. Instead of waiting for it to fall out in patches I decided to cut it short. I called my fabulous hair guru Joan (my cousin) and asked her to chop off my unyielding curly hair. Nervous could not explain how I felt. The breakdown I expected never happened during the hair cut. Joan cut it exactly how I asked, short really short. Joan did a great job.

Kira was apprehensive to see me but she finally got the courage. Maci said, "Mom, I'm not scared of you with short hair." Ben said, "I looked good." The rest of my family all gave rave reviews to my suspect.

Late that night guess what happened? "THE BREAKDOWN" When I saw myself in the mirror I lost it. Ben was very comforting and sweet, but when I look in the mirror I see a different person. I don't know who that person is. In a week, when I'm bald I will have to adjust to that person too.

I look forward to the day when I can look at myself and see someone I know. Hopefully she's someone who's kicked this nasty lymphoma.

P.S., I have no intention of posting pictures of my new hair cut or soon to come baldness. (I'm camera shy)

1 Down 7 to Go

2009-01-08T21:13:00.005-07:00

Today was my first chemo treatment. It was very interesting, I really didn't know what to expect. The actual chemo treatments are not too uncomfortable, its supposed to all happen the 3 weeks following, First, a nurse gives you medsto stop nausea and any allergic reactions from the chemo. Then a nurse loads you up one chemo drug after another, after 8 hours I am finally done. My chemo treatments upcoming should only last 6 hours at a time. The first time you have chemo they slow the process to make sure there are no major allergic reactions or problems.

It actually went faster than I thought. The patients, staff and family members are so friendly and nice. It feels like a IM a/s/l thing except n/c/d (name/cancer/when were you diagnosed.)
I got to know a lot of people in a very short time. I think my treatments will go a lot faster being able to talk to people each time.

I got some good and bad news today. My bone marrow came back normal (Wahoo) but my pet scan came back with all lymph nodes from my neck to my pelvis are cancerous. It doesn't change my chemo treatments other now I have to take a pill so I don't get Gout. Gout is a strange word to me, it reminds me of having some fishy scaly legs. I know that's not real but every time I hear the word GOUT I can't stop thinking of it.

Now, I have 7 more to go. I'm feeling good right now, so I'm optimistic for the future. There is one thing though, I am still in denial about all of this. I keep my emotions in check for now. I know I will break down one day but for now it's all about positive thinking.

I will keep posting and I wish everyone a very Happy New year.

Boxing

2008-12-30T10:11:00.009-07:00

It's a funny thing when you find out you have cancer. I haven't quite figured out how to react. I'm in a holding pattern right now. If I start to think about Ben and the girls I get emotional, but if I go on with my daily routine I'm level headed.

By the way, I have Non Hodgkin's T Cell Rich, B Cell Limited Lymphoma. It is mainly located in my abdomen area and its as big as of a block of cheese. The oncologist says it might be curable but no promises.

So here I am wondering what 6 months of treatments will bring me? Hopefully it can't be any worse than the last 3 months. Chemo doesn't sound fun, 6 hours in one chair. I've already been poked and prodded for weeks what's 8 treatments in 6 months?

I have not been well for at least 3 months. I haven't had enough energy to take a shower without resting for 20 minutes after. The funny thing is that if you look at the basic symptoms of Lymphoma I have everyone of them, classic text book. I thought I had some virus. It wasn't until I started loosing tons of weight that I noticed the tumor in my lower abdomen.

I am worried about Ben and the girls, so far they have been doing really well. Kira has been very helpful the last few months, even if she hates what she is doing. Maci finally understands that she can't run and jump on my stomach anymore. I don't know what I would do without Benjamin. It is true, he has been so supportive and attentive. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. My family has been very helpful too, by taking turns with the girls and cleaning my house while I was in the hospital.

That's enough of the downer news. Kira and I had a good talk today about the future, i.e, chemo, hair loss, etc. I made a promise to her that I would never stop fighting. I will use my best sucker punch and right hook. We will fight all the way.

P.S., I am grateful for all I have and thankful for all those who have helped me thus far.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T20:35:00.002-07:00

We wish you a very Merry Christmas. It was a special day to be able to come home and spend Christmas with my family. I couldn't have had a better day. I am very thankful for Ben and the girls, they are my life.

The boy got married!

2008-11-21T11:11:00.011-07:00

Chris and Natalie Owen!

I can not believe that the boy got married last weekend. Chris married Natalie a really sweet girl. Their wedding was decorated beautifully in red, black and gray.

I am in shock (he's too young) and also very proud of him. Chris is the lone grandson in my family, it was a once in a lifetime event. We wish Chris and Natalie a lifetime of happiness.

Chris and Kimbo who is looking mighty hot for being a cripple!

Halloween

2008-11-03T13:38:00.002-07:00

Kira is an awesome NERD!

Maci Dawn as pretty Cinderella

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!

2008-09-22T17:01:00.010-06:00

A year ago, Ben and I along with my dad and Carla went to San Diego to see the BEARS vs. Chargers. Ben and my dad love the Bears hence the Bears game. It was a blast. I love football and every aspect of the game.

My favorite team is Indianapolis Colts. When I was a kid I loved the BEARS with my dad's influence of course. I have tried to teach the girls to love football. Maci cheers with all her heart when there is a Touchdown it doesn't matter which team get the Touchdown just as long as someone does.

Here are some pictures from our trip last year. One year we will go see the Colts in Indie. I'm sure we will make it to a Bears game again. No matter its a great sport and its fun to watch.

Mr. Lovie Smith

Let's Rock N Roll!

Ben's Favorite Player of all time;

#34 WALTER PAYTON

Sunday's are meant to spend time with your family watching football. I wish Utah had a professional football team. I would definitely buy season tickets.

First Day of School

2008-08-27T14:14:00.002-06:00

Monday was the first day of school for Kira. She has been really excited about school. I have been very impressed with Kira so far. She is really dedicated to do her homework and reading everyday. She does have a little extra incentive (a new shirt), I'll do whatever works to inspire her to read.

Maci starts school next Tuesday. Ben, Leigh and I took her to visit her new preschool. She was hesitant at first but warmed up after 10 minutes. By the time we were ready to leave she didn't want to leave. That's a first. I'm hoping for that much enthusiasm when I drop her off next week.

Mexican Cruise

2008-08-18T18:53:00.013-06:00

We went to the Mexican Riviera with Ben's entire family excluding 3 family members. Thanks to Ben's parents for the trip. Here are some pictures from our adventure.

Whitney, Kira and Maci stuffing their faces after a day of swimming.

Ben's favorite place on the ship, the ICE CREAM dispenser.

Puerto Vallarta view from the ship.

Ash, Kira and Maci in Cabo San Lucas. I swear it was 100 degrees with 90% humidity.

Ben's four girls shopping our hearts out.

OUR BOAT: Vision of the Seas
The girls in Mazatlan. They just finished shopping. We had a wild ride in the local taxis. Maci and Julienne had their groove on.

BREAKING DAWN!

2008-08-02T19:04:00.000-06:00

IT'S THE BOMB!!!!!!!!

We are off on a cruise tomorrow for a week.

Adios amigos.

ABC's TAG

2008-07-15T17:34:00.000-06:00

ABC's "getting to know you" TAG. Complete the ABC's of you. Then, each player tags 3 people and posts their names, goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

A- Attached or single: Married for 11 years and 2 months.
B- Best Friend: Emily only she understands this crazy mind. (damn genetics)
C-Cake or Pie: Cake all the way, especially if its cheese cake.
D-Day: Everyday, because I get to stay home with my girlies. Thanks Ben!
E- Essential Item: Music it heals all wounds and inspires new beginnings.
F- Favorite Color: Yellow just like the heavenly sun.
Gummy Bears or Worms: Bears if they are cinnamon. I don’t like sugary sweet or sour candy.
H-Home town: North Ogden, Utah
I- Indulgences: Shoes you can never have enough, purses ditto and books to take you to a place you’ve never been before.
J- January or July?: July because the sun is out and it’s warm!
K-Kids: 3 beautiful girls Ash, Kira and Maci , they are always entertaining.
L-Life is incomplete without: Family and an exciting adventure.
M- Marriage Date: May 1, 1997
N- Number of Siblings: 1 older sister Kimbo (the creative one), and 2 younger sisters Emily (the one who would do anything for me) and Leigh (the adventurous world traveler).
O-Oranges or Apples: Neither; keep fruit away from me or I’ll turn blotchy which is very different from how I look now thank you!
P- Phobias or Fears: Fear of losing my kids.
Q- Quote: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” I want all my moments in life to be so awesome they will take my breath away.
R- Reason To Smile: Benjamin he thinks he’s just so funny.
S- Season: Spring the sun is peaking out of the clouds and returning the beautiful colors of trees and flowers.
T- Tag Three: Emily, Andrea Stacey and Carla if we can talk her into starting a blog.
U- Unknown fact about me: I always wanted to be the happy go lucky funny one. I ended up being the controlling one but that everyone already knows. Plus I always wanted to be an astronaut and travel in space even though I would be scared to death.
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Almost a veggie, I only like meat once in a while and I love milk and cheese.
W- Worst Habit: Not keeping a secret. I have been better lately. Sorry to those whom I let it all out.
X-Rays or Ultrasounds: X-rays for broken bones and Ultrasounds to see if Ben would ever get a girl. I guess he’s out of luck!
Y-Your favorite food: Bread and Pasta, obviously I’m all about the carbs.
Z- Zodiac Sign: Taurus; just like me stubborn.

4th of July!

2008-07-07T18:43:00.000-06:00

We did the North Ogden parade in the morning which is always fun for the kids. Maci lost her green balloon and now she can't seem to get over it. Poor little girl.

We always have the best seats because Jim & Danell my brother and sister in law save a spot for all of us. Thanks to them the girls never miss a float. We saw Shad and Cayden who are so cute and have a bundle of energy.

We went to Cabelas which is Ben's favorite place to eat. He loves their game meat sandwiches. He enjoys trying new food, this time he had wild boar. I just can't handle wild tasting meat and it never looks good. The girls tried the boar, Maci liked it Kira not so much.

We met Papa in Provo so he could take me and Maci up to his cabin in the woods. I always enjoy going up to his house it's so relaxing.

Ben and Kira went to the Stadium of Fire featuring Miley Cyrus, Blue Man Group and totally awesome fireworks. Ben says you haven't seen fireworks until you've been to the Stadium of Fire.

We had a nice weekend and hope everyone else did too.

Kira is now off to San Diego with Emily's family and Papa and Mums. I'm jealous, wish I could see her enjoy all the attractions. Maybe next time.

Swimming at Snowbird

2008-06-29T14:30:00.000-06:00

Having fun at the Bees Game.

2008-06-25T14:44:00.000-06:00

Kira

Maci

Papa and Mums

Ben

Papa waving to Maci